My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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