He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hippo gnu deer
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
