If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
