i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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