Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
