barbara walters just said penis...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
