dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
