We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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