At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
