I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
