hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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