I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
