mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
