there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
