you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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