What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
