one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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