i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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