What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
