My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
