nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Randomize
