we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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