as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
