so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
