I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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