At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
