i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Randomize
