Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
sick fucks of a feather flock together
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
