this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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