I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
