people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
