in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
