There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
