My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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