I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
