literally had 100 drinks last night.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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