I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
