pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
