she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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