I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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