If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
