I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
