Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The best revenge is premature balding
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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