Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
