woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
