I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
