whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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