fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
