Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
