I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
