We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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