I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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