i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
farters have to be the big spoon...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
