we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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