I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
